The Great Aussie Dream

Sir Harold’s fondness for a burned chop is legendary.  He was especially fond of the fatty bit on the side and when staying at The Lodge would have his personal cook, Margaret Fulton, staple extra slices of fat to his meat.  To pay homage to Sir Harold’s epicurean legacy, in 2015 the HHDRS Standing Committee on Raw and Cured Meats, Condiments and Pest Control commissioned Scholar-in-Residence Emeritus Professor Festus Scrötal to begin research on the world’s first nuclear powered family barbecue.  An area at the rear of the complex was set aside for Professor Scrötal to begin his work, the site chosen because of the fact that it was most exposed to the prevailing southerly winds which would blow any radiation away from Portsea and, on a good day, towards towns on the opposite side of Port Philip Bay or, on less climactically amenable days, towards Tootgarook.

 The first prototype was launched in 2019.  Named the Atomic Bradman 1000™ in honour of Sir Harold’s favourite Davis Cup captain, the barbecue was capable of flash frying over 3,000 chops, 6,000 sausages, and several hundred rissoles in 0.5 seconds.  At the time, one of Australia’s foremost barbecue experts, Dr Ziggy Switkowski, lauded the barbecue as a “marvel” that would “revolutionise Aussie barbecuing for a millennium”.  Unfortunately, a problem with fitting an unconventionally large hotplate meant the Atomic Bradman 1000 didn’t make it past the testing phase.

 In early 2020 Scrötal unveiled the Atomic Bradman 2000™, which resolved this problem by replacing the single flat hotplate with a rotisserie made from two dozen sheets of corrugated lead attached to a reconditioned Hills hoist.  Unfortunately, the complex motor required to drive the rotisserie caused a breach in the containment shield which not only resulted in an absurdly large high court-ordered compensation package to the families of those killed in the explosion but also drew the ire of the Australian Radiation and Nuclear Safety Agency.  In short, whinging widows and orphans and the dead hand of government once against stifled initiative and robbed Aussie sporting clubs and hardware chains of the joys of nuclear cooking.

 The Atomic Bradman 3000™ was introduced to the public in October 2025, generating enormous interest and a surge in orders from excited backyard chefs across Australia.  Utilising the latest in nuclear fuel rod technologies, rack and pinion flange clips, and equipped with a 3-meter-thick titanium heat shield and 15-meter retractable tongs, the Atomic Bradman 3000™ could flash fry 4,500 chump chops, 8,000 tick sausages (sawdust to meat ratio of 1:4 used in testing), 1,200 kebabs and 1 tonne of sliced onion in 0.07 seconds.

 Unfortunately, a malfunction with the cooling probe caused by friction generated with the rotating ventilation shaft caused a meltdown and minor explosion at the Tootgarook Bunnings.  Once again, we encountered interference and meddling from federal nuclear safety authorities who ordered an immediate recall.

However, due in early December 2026 is The Atomic Bradman 4000™.  Designed by Scrötal but with expert input from Shadow Minister for Foreign Affairs and nuclear cooking aficionado Ted O’Brien, the latest iteration remedies these faults through the addition of a ceramic high tensile linear engine ratchet reinforced with a Tungsten plated rod cluster control assembly.  Topping off the new Atomic Bradman 4000™ is the addition of a right-handed wok burner and decorative condiments shelf.

To celebrate this breakthrough in Aussie ingenuity and science, a range of commemorative aprons and tea towels will soon be available for purchase through the gift shop.