Geriatric Holding Facility and Morgue
Born in 1908, Sir Harold Holt was of a generation of Australians who grew up in the formative years of the Commonwealth. They built homes, good Aussie homes out of asbestos and lead paint. None of this carbon neutral nonsense for the Holt generation! They raised families consistent with the traditions and values which have shaped civilised societies since Adam and Eve some seven thousand years ago – families where men were men and women were women and no one was confused about whose underpants to put on. The Holt generation gave us scientific inventions without which Australia would have remained a cultural backwater – the Hills Hoist, the splayd and the beer can hat. Moreover, they did so despite enduring two world wars, thirty-seven rabbit plagues, a relentless campaign of subversion waged by a pro-Communist Chinese trade union movement and the premature loss of the nation’s greatest ever leader. Those of us born after the 1960s owe the Holt generation an enduring debt of gratitude.
Which is why the Geriatric Holding Facility and Morgue holds a special place within the Harold Holt Disappearance Reenactment Society.
Tucked away at the rear of the east garden close to the main southeastern sewage outlet, this one-time fertiliser storage shed is now home to over 85 full-time inmates in the twilights of their lives. It also has amenities for up to 20 short term residents.
Safely contained behind an impenetrable razor wire topped fence and protected by 16 movement activated high calibre machine guns, the facility contains both multi- and single bed cells furnished with items deliberately selected from waste depots across the Mornington Peninsula to create a 1950s feel.
All inmates enjoy personalised wellbeing programs administered by our team of highly trained conflict management professionals – a team of exclusively Anglo-Celtic heritage to mitigate the risk of culture shock. An in-house entertainment system plays classic television and radio programs from the golden era of Aussie culture such as The Mavis Brampton Show, In Melbourne Tonight (with Graham Kennedy), Bellbird, The Penthouse Club (including coverage of harness and greyhound races) and Mass for You at Home on a continuous 24-hour loop. There is also an in-house TAB. For those inmates of a more athletic or intellectual bent, the facility contains a Scrabble set (missing several consonants) and an almost complete set of Readers Digest magazines (1954-1971).
Testimony to the quality of the geriatric Holding Facility was provided by a recent guest, former Prime Minister, John Howard who spent a brief respite period at the facility where he mingled with a number of former colleagues who are now fulltime inmates such as Bronwyn Bishop (confined due to late onset cannibalism) and David Kemp (changed name by deed pole to Count Dracula). Although Mr. Howard has moments when he still considers himself to be in office, on his release he was sufficiently sentient to complete a confidential evaluation form on which he praised the fact “the porridge was warm and the bedding comfy”. His subsequent allegation that another inmate had “stolen” his pet sock “Janette’ and done foul things with it” was not proven.
