Evidence-based dispute resolution

Even though the HHDRS was not immune from the Botox Substitution Scandal of 2020, it did play a critical role in ending the ensuing social chaos.  At the centre of this has been the Jousting Yard.  However, it is impossible to understand this nexus without first understanding the nature of the crisis which triggered the chaos in the first place.

In 2020, as the nation suffered under depravations imposed by Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews in response to a fake disease engineered by Communist Chinese scientists to distract the world from the Sir Harold Holt kidnapping, a real crisis was evolving after several well-known influencers appeared to metamorphosise into cane toads in leisurewear.  Swollen lips, distended skins, shedding, and emitting a relentless series of meaningless visceral grunts, the grotesque transformation of these otherwise beautiful Aussies was just the first sign that something major was wrong. 

Following an undercover investigation by The Portsea Bugle, it was revealed that a string of CFMEU-run tanning studios had been administering Botox injections adulterated with industrial sealant.  Further investigations revealed the substituted product was even being distributed to students in some of the nation’s best and therefore most expensive private schools.

Panic spread as TikTok was inundated with videos of attractive well-healed role models transforming into sausage skins crammed with Spakfilla. Panic spread.  It took the head of the Mornington Peninsula Chapter of Mensa, Bec Judd, and her Sydney-based counterpart and world leading expert in quantum gravity, Sharri Markson, to drag the nation back from the aesthetic abyss.  Their solution?  Jousting – until political correctness gone mad widely considered the sport of kings, but in the hands of Bec, Sharri and Dr. Erstwhile Truthwright also a recipe for social healing.

Drawing on their wide network of celebrity supporters within the upper echelons of the Harold Holt Disappearance Reenactment Society, including Dave Hughes, Drew Pavlou, Basil Zempalis and Rita Panahi, Judd and Markson convinced the HHDRS Standing Committee on Pandemic Responses, Vaccinations and Canteen Management of the need to put on an event that would remind the elite of the importance of always punching down on those less fortunate.  Citing the German philosopher Carl Schmitt, Judd reminded the committee that the first obligation of any authority is to invent an external enemy to serve as an internally unifying narrative.  Jousting fit the bill perfectly.

Since October 2021, the first Saturday after the AFL and NFL grand finals has been set aside for the annual Harold Holt Disappearance Reenactment Society Jousting Tournament, when flanellete wearing outsiders are welded to horses rejected from the annual Portsea Polo Chukka and goaded into martial combat with false promise that prize money will “trickle down” to competitors.  The event has allowed the hideously disfigured but wealthy to rediscover their superiority by once again laughing at the those less fortunate.