Philippe: ‘Gonorrhoea in Trousers’

Date and Place of Birth: 1 June, 1974, Edinburgh Scotland

Current Positions: Head of Entertainment and Gonorrhoea Control, HHDRS

Prior Occupations: Back-up singer for The Proclaimers, Crooner, Gigolo, Human Subject for Pharmaceutical Trials

Qualifications: Cert III in Baton Twirling (Hibernian Mass Piped Band for Juvenile Delinquents, 1985), M.A., (Johnny Young Talent School, 1991)

Trouser size: 86cm

Pet’s Name: Englebert Humperdink (cavoodle)

Favourite Documentary: Russel Brand Live

Favourite Book: Karma Sutra 

Favourite band: Perry Como Orchestra

Pet hates: Condoms

Phobias: Condoms

Favourite Food: Lamb Kebab with Extra Garlic Sauce

Childhood Hero: Tom Jones

Western Zodiac: Gemini

Chinese Zodiac: Year of the Red Lipped Batfish

Babylonian Zodiac: House of the Large Scrotumed Mongoose

Famous Quote: “I’ll call you next week.”

The HHDRS’s head of entertainment and gonorrhoea control is also its resident crooner, Philippe.  Celebrated across the senior cruise industry as one of the best Perry Como-themed cabaret performers on the high seas, Philippe joined the HHDRS team in 2001 following a severe outbreak of chlamydia which forced the closure and eventual bankruptcy of the Poseidon Group.  In its court filings, Poseidon’s CEO, Captain Francis de Groot, described Philippe as “gonorrhoea in trousers” and blamed him for the once thriving firm’s collapse.

Born to a one-armed bagpiper and her one-legged baton twirling cousin in Edinburgh in 1969, Philippe has music and entertainment in his bones.   This strong pedigree saw Philippe graduate from the Hibernian Mass Piped Band for Juvenile Delinquents and move straight into southeast Scotland’s energetic cabaret scene where he established a reputation as that country’s best Englebert Humperdinck tribute act before migrating to Australia in the late 1980s. 

 After living under a false name for several years and earning a living as a human guinea pig for pharmaceutical giant Pfizer during the day and as a backing musician and gigolo at night, Philippe secured a job with the ill-fated Costa Concordia where his one-man ‘Perry Como and the Proclaimers’ tribute show caught the eye of Gina Rinehart.  On the mining magnate’s recommendation, Dr. Truthwright  offered Philippe a trial position alongside the Tony Bartuccio dancers during the Speargun and Snorkel Bistro’s formative years.  While the dancers lasted only a few weeks, their contract terminated after one dancers was overheard by an alert feather fluffer asking for a contact at the Cabaret Performers and Ventriloquists Union, Philippe’s appeal skyrocketed, especially among the over 70s female demographic.

A keen amateur astrophysicist and space enthusiast, Philippe once offered himself to NASA as a human subject for the study of the effect of zero gravity on genital warts.  More recently he has reached out to Elon Musk and offered himself as the inhouse cabaret act for the trillionaire’s planned Mars-based casino.  But HHDRS members and guests, especially our more senior patrons,  will be hoping that their own star keeps his feet firmly planted on the Mornington Peninsula for many years to come. We count on this visionary to define strategic priorities, allocate resources responsibly, and ensure every decision reinforces long-term value creation.