The outbreak has been contained
Dear Members,
I am writing to inform you of further great news at the HHDRS.
As of midnight last night, all travel and partnering restrictions at the compound have been lifted.
I can declare that the HHDRS is now officially Gonorrhoea Free!
You will recall in 2022 there was an unexplained outbreak which could not be contained with traditional methods. The pandemic spread through the entire HHDRS complex forcing the closure of many attractions and facilities.
Though we were resilient and were keen to push through the medical ‘noise’, the World Health Organisation, working as an agent of the Australian Commissioner of Taxation, quarantined our facility to prevent the unusually virulent, and never before seen strain from spreading outside the HHDRS.
Members will recall the decisive action taken and the immediate direction of our esteemed Scholar-in-Residence, Emeritus Professor Festus Scrotal, to address the issue that has resulted in a successful eradication of the gonorrhoea super strain – in under four years. A magnificent result.
Importantly our medical investigations have revealed that malevolent forces have infiltrated the HHDRS – clearly directed President Xi.
We have discovered that the highly successful 2022 entertainment tour by our resident Perry Como tribute crooner, Philippe, was targeted by foreign agents.
Professor Scrotal’s forensic investigations revealed three alarming facts.
Firstly, as Philippe toured the HDRS facilities with his Perry Me Alive act, starting from the Geriatric Holding Facility through to the Pauline Hanson Bleaching Pond and Wellness Centre, outbreaks of gonorrhoea spread like a plague around him. What could possibly be the cause?
Secondly, the strain was something no-one had ever seen. Traditional methods of infection control had no impact – this was a super-virus with no known cure. If left unchecked it would destroy the HHDRS – the centre of resistance to anti-Holt forces. Naturally Scrotal deduced it was manufactured by enemy agents opposed to the HHDRS, clearly then by Chinese scientists directed by Chinese Communist Party intelligence agents. The very people who kidnapped Sir Harold only a short while ago.
Thirdly, thankfully the passports of all staff are held securely at the HHDRS Central Office. Scrotal once again provided his expert forensic skills and determined that one of the 16 female backup dancers, supporting the Perry Me Alive tour, had previously attended Wuhan University, ostensibly to study geo-sciences – a traditional ruse of intelligence agents. Now all the pieces fitted together, Philippe and the HHDRS had been the target of a sophisticated attack by the Chinese Government, who had infiltrated the HHDRS.
THE MIRACLE CURE
Having solved the matter of international espionage, Scrotal was not finished.
After a series of scientific trials, conducted in real-time on The Professor, involving a range of vaccines, from bleach to Novichok, success was elusive.
Undeterred by repeated and consistent failure over many years, Scrotal recalled earlier trials of a vaccine he developed when an outbreak of rabies in the then National Party, due to Barnaby Joyce’s repeated biting of other members, revealed the capacity of animal diseases to jump species.
Once again The Professor was put to work and was the recipient of many potentially life-saving experimental vaccines.
It was another breakthrough by Scrotal, noticing the unusual twitching in the groin once a lethal dose of the gonorrhoea strain was administered, that the eureka moment was laid bare. “dridhet si lepur” (twitching like a rabbit), he said, in Albanian.
The unique blend of penicillin and calicivirus, designed to prevent progeny in mating rabbits, was the breakthrough. A new super-vaccine was developed. The HHDRS was saved. The Chinese Government plot was thwarted
MOVING FORWARD
This day marks one of the greatest days in the history of the HHDRS.
Accordingly, the approved logo will be proudly displayed as a sign of the triumph of science and human ingenuity over the dark forces of communism and the Australian Taxation Office.
We have provided the template to the King Charles Royal Tattoo Studio for members wishing to permanently commemorate this grand day.
I have also instructed the commissioning of a celebratory tshirt, available at the HHDRS gift shop and through Horold’s of Portsea gentleman’s outfitter.
I wish you all a wonderful (Gonorrhoea Free) day.
Dr Erstwhile G. Truthwright Esq.
Founder and National Convenor
Harold Holt Disappearance Reenactment Society
