Emeritus Professor Festus Scrötal: Scientific Übermensch

Date and Place of Birth: 1 January 1918, Shkodër, Albania

Current Positions: Head of Research and Development, HHDRS

Prior Occupations: Slaughterman, No.5 People’s Abattoir Tirana.  Scientific Advisor to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. Associate Professor of Insider Trading and Necromancy at Trump University. Foundation chair at the Centre for Genetic and Nuclear Research at the Switkowski Research Institute in Hanoi. Special Advisor to the US Department of Corrections (Lethal Injections Division). Consultant Specialist on Novichok, Unit 29155, Military Intelligence Service of Russia (GRU)

Qualifications: Cert IV Bovine Slaughter King Zog Polytechnic, 1929, B.Sc. (Phrenology and Vivisection), Benito Mussolini School of Medicine, 1937); M.Sc. (Necromancy and Tarot), King Faid University, Riyadh (1951); Ph.D. (Genetics and Poisons, Georgios Papadopoulos Institute, Athens 1963)

Trouser size: 55cm

Pet’s Name: King Zog (Ocelot)

Favourite Documentary: Triumph of the Will (Leni Riefesstahl)

Favourite Book: The Idiots Guide to Home Vivisection by Pope Urban VI 

Favourite band: Pulat Luftarake Albanian Folk Trio 

Pet hates: People

Phobias: Communists

Favourite Food: Raw Chicken

Childhood Hero: King Zog

Western Zodiac: Capricorn

Chinese Zodiac: Year of the Fruit Bat

Babylonian Zodiac: House of the Clubbed Foot

Famous Quote: “Fuck off!”

The 1983 International Vivisectionist of the Year is one of the HHDRS’s most high-profile staff members. The renowned scientist and all-time record holder for International Criminal Court arrest warrants is Scholar-in-Residence at the Harold Holt Disappearance Reenactment Society’s Portsea Compound where and leads several high priority research projects, including the Atomic Bradman (the world’s first nuclear-powered barbecue), the development of a commercially viable robot assassin, edible rubber, predictive phrenology, and the extension of decimalisation into more areas of modern life, including time.

Born in Albania in 1918, the famously bad-tempered Scrötal has earned a reputation as one of the world’s most outspoken and controversial  scientists.  He first gained fame in the early 1950s when his first book purported to debunk the notion that the earth was round.  This was followed by pioneering work on the beneficial health effects of arak enemas.  The success of both books, especially among never married or divorced white men with minimal education, brought him to the attention of the nascent anti-vaccination lobby and in the early 1960s he was smuggled out of Albania to Italy by Dr Spock and Evita Peron acting as a husband-and-wife trapeze act.  In 1985 his nomination for a Nobel Prize in Phrenology was rejected because of concerns about his previous work on disproving the deleterious effects of smoking on infants.  Since that time he has refused to eat roll mops or shop at IKEA in protest at what he calls “Scandinavian Stalinism”.

But Scrötal has allowed neither the opprobrium of the so-called “respectable” scientific community, UN sanctions nor being placed on the no-fly lists of more than 70 nations to impede his research.  Before joining the HHDRS he held positions at the No.5 People’s Abattoir in Tirana where he honed his skills with both sledge hammer and filleting blade, as a scientific advisor to former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi, Associate Professor of Insider Trading and Necromancy at Trump University, foundation chair at the Centre for Genetic and Nuclear Research at the Switkowski Research Institute in Hanoi, Special Advisor to the US Department of Corrections (Lethal Injections Division) and Consultant Specialist on Novichok to Unit 29155 of Russia’s Military Intelligence Service (GRU).  Along with US Secretary of Health Robert Kennedy Jnr. he shares the distinction as the only living person banned by an act of the Norwegian and Swedish parliaments from nominating for a Nobel Prize.  More recently he has helped senators Pauline Hanson and Malcolm Roberts develop One Nation’s vaccination and scientific education policies.

Living exclusively on a diet of raw chicken and kale, Professor Scrötal claims to have discovered the secret to longevity.  At 115 years of age, and showing no signs of slowing down, the cantankerous genius of the scientific world is poised to propel the HHDRS to the forefront of international research.

Members and guests visiting the HHDRS compound are, however, warned to adhere to the 300m exclusion zone which surrounds Professor Scrötal’s laboratories.  They are also warned that if sighted, under NO circumstances should Professor Scrötal be approached.  Management will not be responsible for any costs associated by injuries or loss of income resulting from any encounters, deliberate or otherwise, with Professor Scrötal.