Advisory Board

Kevin Thadius Rudd - HHDRS Board Advisor

Kevin Thadius Rudd

Date and Place of Birth: 21 September Nambour Queensland

Current Positions: Captain, Caboulture Chess Club

Prior Occupations: Slaughterman, Diplomat, Prime MInister

Qualifications: Level IV Certificate in Butchery; BA (Asian Studies)

Trouser size: 36R

Pet’s Name: Ghengis (Chou Chou)

Favourite Documentary:The Secret Life of Dung Beetles

Favourite Book: Oxford Thesaurus

Favourite band: Shanghai Peoples Orchestra

Pet hates: Monolingual people, hair gel

Phobias: Octophobia (Fear of figure 8)

Favourite Food: Chicken feet with extra MSG

Childhood Hero: Self

Western Zodiac: Virgo

Chinese Zodiac: Year of the Sea Slug

Babylonian Zodiac: House of the Elongated Hemorrhoid

Famous Quote: ‘One mouse dropping spoils the whole pot of porridge’ 一粒老鼠屎坏了一锅粥

Kevin’s earliest childhood memories are of the regular beatings he received at the hands of fellow student Wayne Swann as a grade 2 student at Sunshine Coast Agricultural College. Despite the trauma of these events fate shone on young Kevin when a visiting troupe of miming nuns identified his latent thespian talents. Within a month he was the face of the Milky Bar Kid. A sickly sweet white chocolate with no actual chocolate. Ongoing royalties from the Queensland Dental Association allowed young Kevin to move from rural poverty (his farm was the first fruit bat producer) to the coastal town of Pacific Paradise.

The young Rudd (known to his fellow students as ‘that fucking dork’) thrived in his new environment. At 15 he founded the Sunshine Coast Secondary College Chess Club, serving as club president, and only member, until the completion of his year 12 studies.

On graduating high school he toyed with the idea of becoming Secretary general of the United Nations, then seriously entertained a career as a philatelist before pursuing a life-long dream as a slaughterman at Bailey’s Abottoir. At the end of his first year as an apprentice boner he established The Bailey’s Abottoir Chess Club, serving as club president, and only member, until the completion of his trade.

A particular talent for identifying bovine organs through smell alone awakened in Rudd an interest in Chinese erotic art from the Han dynasty. He enrolled in a Bachelor of Arts ( Asian Studies) at the Australian National University where he majored in Mandarin language and Szechwan cooking. He also founded the ANU chess club and served as its president until his graduation.

Early Career - Like many before him Rudd's expertise in Chinese language and culture earned him a place in the graduate programme at the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade. In recognition of his skills, he was posted to Sweden.

After returning to Canberra he established the DFAT Chess Club and served as its president until his second posting to yet another sino-centric capital Athens. Before a clerical error in Canberra saw him accidentally cross posted to the Australian embassy in Beijing. Exposure to the inner workings of the Chinese Communist party and the establishment of a network of close personal contacts with junior members of the politburo stimulated the young Rudd’s interest in Marxism-Maoism. This new passion with Chinese communism and his lingering interest in the work of abattoirs drew him naturally to the Australian Labor Party. On his return to Canberra from Beijing resigned from the federal public service and returned to Queensland as an advisor on fine meats to the then leader of the state opposition, Wayne Goss.

 The defeat of the National Party-led government saw Goss installed as that state's first premier in 315 years. For his loyalty Rudd was appointed Chief Inspector of Abattoirs and dispatched on several key trade missions the new state government pioneered with China. It was on one of these trips that Rudd introduced chess to the Chinese.

Political achievements. In December 2006 Rudd assumed the leadership of the parliamentary Labor Party after applying his skills as a slaughterman to eliminate and then dispose of the remains of his predecessor Kim Beazley. He moved quickly to put his own stamp on the party, mandating membership in the caucus chess club ()which he had established 2 years earlier) and outlining a series of policies designed to provide a clearer differentiation between Labor and the Conservative government led by John Howard.

Whereas Howard had overseen the introduction of mandatory branding and detention of asylum seekers, Rudd promised to replace branding with barcoded tattoos. Where Howard's Work Choices policy allowed employers to sack workers without justifying their actions, Rudd undertook to make such dismissals illegal if the person advising of the redundancy was standing on one leg while singing the chicken tonight TV commercial theme song. While the Howard government had responded to Japanese whaling in the Southern Ocean through terse diplomatic notes passed through the car park attendant at Tokyo’s Canberra embassy, Rudd promised to match this by banning reruns of the popular TV hit Monkey.

Suddenly voters were presented with a clear choice at the 2007 federal action Rudd became the 2nd Queenslander, and the first member of the Chinese Communist Party Central Committee, to become Australian Prime Minister.

We count on this visionary to define strategic priorities, allocate resources responsibly, and ensure every decision reinforces long-term value creation.

Anthony Anacletus Abbott - Advisor (proxy for Hon Sir Harold Holt)

Anthony Anacletus Abbott

Date and Place of Birth: 4 November 1957, London

Current Positions: National President, Liberal Party of Australia; Treasurer, Opus Dei

Prior Occupations: Catholic priest, cage fighter, Prime Minister

Qualifications: Shooter’s License, BA (Divinity) BLlb

Trouser size: 34R

Pet’s Name: Mary McKillop (gerbil)

Favourite Documentary: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Favourite Book: Prison Diaries, George Pell

Favourite band: Vatican Boys Coir

Pet hates: Organ Donors

Phobias: Barophobia (fear of gravity)

Favourite Food: Communion Wafers (plain and Marmite)

Childhood Hero: Cardinal Richelieu

Western Zodiac: Scorpio

Chinese Zodiac: Year of the Ferret

Babylonian Zodiac: House of the Pustulous Carbuncle

Famous Quote: Anything from Book of Leviticus

Named after his father Anthony Abbott (the Bishop of Fulham) and St Anacletus, third Pope of the Catholic Church, Anthony ‘Tony’ Anacletus Abbot was born in London in 1957. His doting mother exerted a particularly strong influence over his early childhood development. Discipline was highly valued in the Abbott household, and Tony and his siblings learned to recite the gospels through his parent’s assiduous use of nunchuckers and boric acid coupled, of course, with lots of TLC.

After coming to Australia Tony was enrolled in Saint Beadon's Catholic Boys school in Sydney’s North Shore. The firm hand of the Christian brothers, including a daily routine of swimming naked in ice baths filled with blue bottle jellyfish while the brothers ran along the side of the pool thrashing the water with garden rakes and pool cues, reinforced the traditional family values of self-discipline he learned at home.

Those boyhood experiences prepared Tony well for the challenges that inevitably came with young adulthood and the transition to university life. Confronted on a daily basis with the types of temptations that inevitably result from the ill-considered policy of mixing men and women in the same classrooms, Tony threw himself into student politics. He was successfully elected to student council at Sydney University where he launched a number of initiatives designed variously to purge evolution from the biology syllabus, introduce stocks to hold student union members and act as a deterrent for other forms of aberrant behaviour, to resegregate classrooms along gender lines, and introduce a ‘Girls Only’ degree structure focusing on home duties and values such as chastity and obedience. Sadly, all these initiatives failed, foundering on opposition engineered by the Marxist-feminist cabal that ran the university from a secret bunker beneath the student Co-op.

Yet further evidence of the benefits of parental discipline reinforced by a no nonsense clergy, was Tony standing academic record. After graduating from Sydney University he travelled to Oxford as a Rhodes scholar, graduating with a Masters degree in theology. His thesis addressed the historical utility of self-flagellation in post reformation Britain.

On returning to Australia Tony decided to dedicate his life to the church and enrolled in Sydney’s Pope Pius IV seminary. But he quickly realised that a career in the priesthood was unlikely to satiate his appetite for adventure, and so he took a job as a PE master at a Catholic boy’s school before turning his talents the budding art of cage wrestling. It was in his persona as ‘Tony the Inquisitor’ that Abbott came to the attention of then liberal leader, and avid blood sport enthusiast, Dr John Hewson. He accepted a position as Hewson's personal bodyguard and private confessor before being nominated for the safe Sydney seat of De Groote. The new Liberal Party leader John Howard was alerted to Tony's talents and promise as a potential minister when he stumbled across Abbott holding labor senator Robert ray in a painful figure four leg lock behind the parliament house bicycle sheds. Howard promoted Tony to the shadow front bench, and on winning government at the 1996 election, to the senior ministerial portfolio of Forestry, Fisheries and Vivisection. The apex of his ministerial career occurred when Howard appointed Tony as minister for Workplace Bullying.

Tony has many achievements despite his relatively short political career. Tony declared work choices, banning red meat from the Friday menu of the parliament house canteen, the defeat of Rudd governments emission trading bill, nominating the Vatican for membership in the British Commonwealth, punching an uppity stenographer in the House of Representatives unconscious, and  first incremental steps toward complete dismantling of the child support system as his greatest achievements.

The Child Support system was seen as anti-father anti-family and promoted lesbianism.

Tony makes no secret of the fact that he has long aspired to lead Australia into a new era of conservative greatness. His position as adviser to the HHDRS is a significant step towards this greatness. His vision has been forged through thousands of hours immersed in the works of great thinkers such as Karl Schmidt, Ulrich von Ribbentrop, Pope Pius the XII and Sydney radio legend Alan Jones. Meanwhile his appreciation of the nature and origins of humankind has been refined after thousands of additional hours of deep philosophical debate with leading Christian theologians.

Tony recounts how the impetus to seek out advice and embark on a crusade to remake Australia and turn it into a shining example of western virtues of abstinence and self-discipline came with the nocturnal visit by the spirit of first governor of NSW and patron saint of chronic masturbators, Arthur Phillip. Philip told Abbott to meditate and wait for a message from God. He told Abbott the Holy Spirit would quote knock three times on the ceiling if Tony had been anointed by God as a modern day antipodean metternich, twice on the pipe if the answer was no. Three loud taps on the ceiling later and Tony was hard at work on a vision for Australian greatness.

Tony’s University Years - full of thought and wonder.