A wonderland of exciting facilities.

Situated at the entrance to the majestic Port Philiip Bay and just a short jet ski ride to Mudd Island – the world’s largest manmade pile of mud and sand - the Harold Holt Disappearance Reenactment Society is dedicated to preserving and celebrating the life, times and so-called “disappearance” of our nation's most famous missing Prime Minister.

Across our sprawling beachfront estate, the HHDRS offers its members an unparalleled combination of historical reenactment, gastronomic nostalgia, recreational bathing, military hardware, experimental science and entertainment for both young and old – all calibrated to service our primary goal which is to remind Australians of the great legacy bequeathed our country by Sir Harold Holt, to protect this legacy (through force if necessary) and ultimately to secure Sir Harold’s return to Australia and the position of Prime Minister so that he can continue with his vision of transforming our nation into an Antipodean Shangri-la.

Even though for the time being Sir Harold Holt might not walk among us, we at the HHDRS refuse to let this national tragedy stand in the way of a comprehensive leisure experience.

 Whether you are a serious Holt scholar, an enthusiastic amateur historian, a retired bookmaker, an aspiring military strategist, a former member of the Christian Brothers now living incognito but with a lingering obsession for vivisection, or just a simple imbecile who enjoys decimal currency and a good sausage in white bread, the Society has something for you.

 At the epicentre of our entertainment and activities offerings is the world-famous Speargun and Snorkel Bistro.  The inspiration for several leading Las Vegas casinos, the Speargun and Snorkel sits at the centre of HHDRS social life where it embodies Sir Harold’s credo that no meal is complete without a sense of maritime danger. Opening daily at 10am and closing at 2am, the bistro offers members an extensive smorgasbord of pre-1967 cuisine, allowing diners to experience the flavours, textures and nutritional delicacies of an era when Australia was still free of nanny-state interference masquerading as “health and safety” standards.

The Speargun and Snorkel’s daily menu, which is altered with every equinox, is painstakingly assembled by a dedicated team of culinary historians led by celebrated chef George Calombaris who believes that the best way to understand the past is to eat it. Highlights include devilled eggs, prawn cocktails, chicken à la king, vol-au-vents, savoury mince, tinned asparagus, steak Diane and an assortment of sandwiches. Our signature dish is the Holtwürst, a 3kg snorkel-shaped sausage served in a white bun with margarine. The bistro's extensive bar stocks a formidable selection of spirits, wines, beers and cocktails, including the popular Vanishing Cabinet, a gin-based concoction which disappears rapidly despite remaining physically present in the glass.

For members hoping for a bit of romance, the Speargun and Snorkel offers a private 1966-themed Dinner Service, during which wait staff read poems composed by Sir Harold for his wife Dame Zara and Snorkel Caddy Felicity Palme-Frond.  

The Speargun and Snorkel is also a major cultural venue, hosting cabaret performances by local and international performers as well as theatre productions. Members have recently enjoyed such treats as Where's Harold?, an interactive three-act play written by UK mystery writer Anne Cleeves and Dr Erstwhile Truthwright in which the audience is given a chart of shipping routes between Portsea and Beijing, a snorkel, a map of Shanghai, and a pair of chopsticks.

The Speargun and Snorkel is open to (almost) all members, although those holding provisional membership are advised to check with reception prior to arrival.

Other popular sites include The Pauline Hanson Bleaching Pond for members wishing to reverse the effects of prolonged exposure to the Australian sun, a facility dedicated to the Sir Harold’s deeply held belief that tanning is a gateway activity. The pond offers a range of carefully monitored bleaching experiences, from the introductory Mildly Pallid session to the advanced As White as Pauline subversive experience. Despite what members might have read in less reputable news outlets, we guarantee the pond is entirely safe, provided members follow instructions and wear protective clothing.

The Children's Playground located adjacent to the Patriot Missile Battery has been created in accordance with Sir Harold’s belief that children should be heard and not seen.  Designed by renowned landscaping architect Rita Panahi, the playground is accessible to all children owned by members above Schnitzel Category and who are willing to sign a binding legal waiver absolving the HHDRS and its staff of any injuries or illnesses which might result from its use.  The play area contains arsenic-enhanced tan bark, a range of climbing structures which were once common in playgrounds across the nation but which since 1967 have been restricted by overzealous effeminate child safety crusaders.  The High-Speed Merry-Go-Round, the Unsupervised 10m high Rope Traverse, the Rotating Vertical Anxiety Ladder and the Harold Holt Memorial Flying Fox, which terminates at a point determined by prevailing wind conditions, are especially popular with youngsters.

The Society's calendar is packed with events guaranteed to excite members across all membership categories and income levels.  These include Featherfest Australia's premier avian combat extravaganza during which fighting chickens from around the world battle in what Sir Harold considered the “true” sport of kings.  The four-week tournament attracts visitors from around the world and includes exhibition bouts involving fighting pelicans and even human combat involving visitors from the Mekong Valley and Latin and South America who dress in feathered costumes and attempt to peck their opponent into submission. 

The HHDRS also hosts the annual Holtwürst Festival which celebrates the legacy of Sir Harold Holt through the medium of sausage. Visitors can enjoy sausage-making demonstrations delivered by the head of community engagement at the nearby Tootgarook Bunnings, historical lectures focusing on the important role that (non-vegan) sausages played in Aussie dining rooms throughout the pre-1967 era, and the annual Harold Holt look-alike competition in which contenders vie to create the sausage which most resembles Sir Harold Holt. 

The Geriatric Holding Facility also hosts a wildly popular monthly Incontinent Inmates Parade whereby a massed pipe band leads a procession of those inmates who have soiled their beds over the previous four weeks.  The guilty parties are paraded in wheelchairs to the amusement of members with the crowd encouraged to scream humiliating insults.  The event is especially popular with children under 12, who are each given a packet of adult diapers to throw at the procession's participants. The parade pays homage to Sir Harold’s rumoured contempt for the incontinent, which historians believe stemmed from his deep personal dislike of the Postmaster General.  Records reveal that Sir Harold even advised Queen Elizabeth not to bestow an honour on the man because, Sir Harold claimed, he smelled of “stale urine and phosphorus”.

 For members who prefer leisure activities of a more scientific bent, the Society offers guided tours of the Peta Credlin Centre for Prosthetic Research and the Murdoch Reeducation Centre where visitors can observe the vital work of our teams of indentured child labourers as they bring to life the innovative breakthroughs in prosthetics and mind control pioneered by associate scholars Professor Peta Credlin and Associate Professor Paul Murray respectively.

Under the guidance of Professor Credlin, the team at the Prosthetic Research Centre specialises in artificial limbs, mechanical appendages and devices designed to improve the quality of life of individuals who yearn for a different kind of reality to that bestowed upon them by fate. Current projects include the Coal-Powered Self-Adjusting Political Handshake, the Remote-Controlled Sanctimoniously Pointing Finger and the Aquatic Retrieval Arm.

Meanwhile, under the stewardship of Associate Professor Murray the Murdoch Re-education Centre is dedicated to the rehabilitation of those who have fallen victim to the dangers of critical thought. From behind specifically designed soundproof glass, members can watch as those in need of re-education are exposed to a carefully calibrated program of historical documentaries handpicked by one of the world’s leading historians of Western civilisation, Lachlan Murdoch, as well as editorial commentary from Sky’s News24 team which are played on a continuous loop and which only stops once the subject is deemed to have been cured of independent critical though and its equally pernicious desire for “facts”. 

Despite the Society's commitment to recreational freedom, certain areas within the HHDRS compound remain strictly off limits to all members. These include the Atomic Bradman Testing Facility and the Drone Warfare Unit, both of which are protected by formidable security arrangements due to the sensitivity of their work but also because of the risk posed to members by our chief scientist and scholar in residence, Emeritus Professor Festus Scrötal.  While the aging Albanian is a genius, he is prone to outbursts of extreme violence and members are warned that he should never be approached.  Indeed, it is a strict rule that all members must maintain a distance of at least 200 meters (which is the standard range of pellets fired from his Blunderbuss.). The HHDRS will NOT be responsible for any deaths or injuries experienced by members who do not adhere to this rule.

Members are also welcome to enjoy the HHDRS compound’s 6.5 acres of lush, manicured grounds which have been purposely designed to contain no native species.  While keeping in mind the importance of not straying into areas designated for membership tiers above one’s own, visitors can stroll along carefully maintained pathways lined with exotic shrubs, ornamental palms and through the famed Avenue of Honour which contains bronze busts of those Aussies successfully selected to play the role of Sir Harold Holt during our eponymous annual reenactment ceremony.

 The centrepiece of the gardens, if not the compound itself, is the towering Sir Harold Holt Cognac Fountain which sits just beyond the main entrance gates and in front of the entrance to the main mansion.  The world's tallest cognac fountain, this a magnificent 65-foot bronze statue in the likeness of Sir Harold Holt contains 207 spigots from which over 1,300 gallons of cognac flow into polished baptismal fonts. It is required of all members that when entering the facility, they stop at the fountain and anoint themselves on the forehead and the groin before entering the facility proper.

The statue at the centre of the fountain was cast by world famous sculptor Bronwyn Bishop (ironically now inmate No.643 at the Geriatric Holding Facility) and depicts Sir Harold as he last appeared before his so-called ‘disappearance’ – in scuba gear and holding a bottle of Remy Martin as he strides purposefully into Bass Strait. 

But the fountain is more than just a sacramental wonder, it is also a key component of our entertainment offerings.  At the top of every hour, the fountain's 1,000-horsepower jets activate, producing a spectacular display of cognac squirting set to the sound of a medley of Sir Harold's favourite Perry Como hits. As the music begins, the statue's jets produce intricate aquatic patterns choreographed for the HHDRS by Dame Dawn Fraser.  These include, the Vanishing Snorkeller, I Shall Return, and the ever-popular Backstroke to Beijing. 

Membership and the Future Membership of the Harold Holt Disappearance Reenactment Society is available in several categories, ranging from the humble Lint category through to the top tiered Gina Rinehart Category.  Each category provides access to selected facilities and events.  The Society is continually expanding its program of activities, with plans for a new underwater conference centre, a floating library and Cognac still, and the construction of two 400m lighthouses each side of Port Phillip Heads in the image of Sir Harold striding into the ocean.

So come and join us. Enjoy the bistro. Visit the gardens. Watch a cockfight.  Invent a sausage in the image of Sir Harold Holt. Admire the fountain. And avoid Scrötal at all costs.